Sunday, September 20, 2015

Shapeshifting

I've always been kind of...scattered. One may chalk it up to my active imagination, or maybe a mild case of ADD.  Maybe it's been the constant struggle to 'fit in' to societal standards. Whether there was an actual pinpointed cause or not, the simple fact remains that my attention is continually torn between several aspects of my personality. And to be honest, I often feel a fraud because of it. I always have felt like I don't really know who I am and I can't truly be happy until I find what that is. I'm beginning to see, however, that all of those aspects ARE me. It doesn't make me less of a person. Or a fraud. It's part of what makes me me.

I'm a Shapeshifter.

"Let me try to explain. No...that is too much. Let me sum up. "

For as long as I can remember, the different aspects of my personality have been kind of at war. Always feeling like I needed to pick one aspect to be complete. To fit in. To be worthy. To be...enough. That in order to be successful, accepted and loved I needed to focus on one. Find that one group of friends, that one perfect career, the one hobby and be done with it. The problem was finding that 'one' thing. In high school, you look at my senior year book and I, hands down, had the largest list of extra curricular activities. A lot of that was dabbling to figure out where I fit in. Where my talents lay and where I could focus more directly. But along the way, I started to realize that I truly liked most of those things. I then started having the problems with trying to pick which one I liked most to pursue as a career etc. Even though I don't regret choosing Music and then Pastry Arts to focus my studies, it took me a long time to figure out that's what I wanted. And I won't lie that there are days I wonder with more than idle curiosity if I should've picked something else.

I often look at those that seem to have their true calling in awe and sometimes jealousy. Pursuing what they have wanted to since they were a child. Knowing exactly where they want to go with their lives, and having the steps to get there in perfect order. I've never been one of those people. Ever.

But as I get older, and life keeps throwing things at me, I'm starting to realize a few things. First, no one really knows what they are doing and the people who seem the most put together, are just better at faking it. Secondly, just because someone seems like they have it put together, doesn't mean they are really happy where they are. I've talked to my fair share of people who wish they had time to pursue other things or feel there's no way they could change course because they were so entrenched in their one thing and feel trapped. And finally, the most interesting and well rounded people I know are those who have interests and hobbies that spread a broad spectrum.

The more I think about it, the more I'm starting to be ok with my shapeshifter personality. I have many interests, hobbies and fandoms. I jump between social circles with ease. Some overlap, some have absolutely nothing to do with each other but for the most part I truly fit in to any of them and am there because I want to be, not because I feel I have to. And my vocational skills are varied enough that my current choice of doing several part time jobs is working out quite well.

So what does all of this have to do with this new blog? Well, for a while I had a couple separate blogs going. One on music, and one on gratitude. And while those are wonderful things that I want to get back to writing about, there are so many other things stewing in my brain that I want to talk about. And they all span across my varied identities. So I'm combining it into one space and will be focusing on a different thing every post. I'm going to try to do once a week (no guarantees) and will be focusing on music, baking/decorating and cooking, self/body love, spirituality, crafting/art, political issues and well....just about anything else that comes to mind. If anyone has ideas I'm open to them.

So. Here's to the launch of Shapeshifting Siren! Thanks for reading!

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